Children can survive a divorce — it’s the conflict that destroys them

EL-based attorney and counsellor gives advice on how to help kids of all ages cope

“Ah, now she knew what divorce really was,” mused a character from international author Judy Blundell’s novel titled The High Season.

“Sharing decisions with a person you would run down on the street.”

Because the reality is a divorce is in essence a break-up — just with lawyers, courts and perhaps loved ones and social workers involved.

Not much different, really, from the day of the actual nuptials. Most are officiated by either a man or a woman of the cloth, with legally-binding contracts signed and friends and family present to bear witness.

Plus divorce has all the elements of a regular break-up in play, discussed in great detail on the website Psychology Today:

“The foggy ‘I must be dreaming stage’ where the mind remains convinced that none of it can be real, followed by the denial phase because there is no way in the world this is happening, then comes the bargaining where all manner of effort to bring the ex-lover back into the picture are explored or exhausted, the relapse stage which is often peppered with the hope that the relationship may return to its former glory, anger when either one or both parties are no longer cloaked with the fear and dread of the unknown followed, at last, by acceptance. Then redirected hope for better tomorrows.”

Sadly, if the divorce involves children, the sequence of events tends to be trickier.

Because this involves added elements such as learning to co-parent, creating dual homes and drawing up visitation schedules.

Then there is the gloomy reality of seeing your ex on an ad hoc basis because — unlike the worn T-shirts, nostalgia-inducing CD’s and old Valentine’s Day cards which were ritualistically trashed after the split — children are not dispensable.

This begs the question of which is the lesser evil — splitting while the little people are just that, little, and braving co-parenting?

Or waiting until the children are grown, putting your deuces up before going on to graze in greener pastures?

“In my opinion, there is no merit in waiting until the children are older,” said Quinette Le Roux Weitsz, an accredited East London-based divorce and family dispute mediator and counsellor.

“As parents, we teach our kids what a marriage should look like.

“So if we are stuck in a loveless marriage, where there’s always this tension and conflict, then we teach them that’s what relationships are supposed to look like.”

Weitsz said research showed that the concept of staying together for the sake of the children was not as noble as many parents believed.

“If you really did try everything and you know there’s no way forward, it is actually healthier for the children for couples to get a divorce and create a healthy co-parenting environment.”

Many US-based couples may disagree.

Ever heard of the “Freshman Call”?

This is a phenomenon coined by couples who opt to put off the divorce until their children are safely out of the house and in college.

News of the pending split is usually shared while the students are in their freshman year.

This concept is explored in a 2017 blog post published on the Clearly Green family law blog: “Many deeply unsatisfied spouses will sacrifice their personal happiness to ensure their children are raised in a two-parent household. Then, when their children head off to college, they file for divorce.”

While every divorce is different and dependent on the family undergoing the process, Tamzin Coutts from East London-based practice Coutts Fraser and Associates, said what remained the same was the degree of acrimony and distrust.

She elaborated: “Children are emotionally perceptive and in many instances prolonged conflict in the home can, in my very humble opinion, cause more damage than the parties separating.

“But there can definitely be instances where there is less acrimony in a matter when the children are majors and are no longer dependent on the divorcing parents for support.

“What is important in our law is that the best interests of the children are protected paramountly in every divorce action.”

Best interest of the children includes determining which of the two parents will have primary care and which parent will have contact.

Coutts said to determine this, a host of factors were taken into consideration, such as the children’s ages, any special needs, the stability of the parties to provide a home, the relationship of the child to each party and the working hours and commitments of each parent.

“Both parents will remain co-guardians of the minor children, unless the high court has made an order to the contrary.

“Care and contact form part of the divorce action, along with maintenance and the division of the parties’ estates.

“If care and contact is in dispute, the court will instruct an expert to investigate the matter and make a recommendation.

“Ordinarily, the Family Advocate’s Office is instructed to complete this investigation,” Coutts explained, adding that parties may also employ their own experts, such as private psychologists and social workers, to assist.

To this end, Weitsz said, an interactional assessment was often conducted where each parent and the child or children were given a number of tasks to complete.

“Then we sit and watch them. You watch their interaction; how they engage with one another, how comfortable they are with one another, the boundaries the parent gives to the child and how comfortable the child is with the parent.

“There are also interviews with outside sources who know the couple, like teachers, doctors or therapists. Objective sources, as family can be biased.”

It’s like ripping off a band aid: no matter how often the divorce is discussed beforehand, or however well-planned and executed, the action still delivers a dreadful sting.

“Divorce challenges vary based on the age and developmental stage of your child[ren],”an article on the online Divorce Mag reads.

With infants, the article advises, parents should team up to ensure their babies develop strong attachments to both the primary caregiver and the contact parent.

With toddlers, there needs to be a constant supply of physical contact, love and security, peppered by frequent visits by the non-residential parent.

Explanations concerning the divorce should be clear.

Where preschoolers are concerned, parents should anticipate a regression in sleep and toilet routines, and emotions such as separation anxiety.

Try keep divorce information honest but age-appropriate.

School-going children may better understand the imminent changes the divorce is bound to bring, but this could make them feel they have no control over their lives.

To fix this? Allow them to have an input in all decisions affecting them.

Teenagers could be overburdened by being forced to become adults too soon.

Avoid turning your teenage girl into a confidant or caregiver to the little siblings.

In the same breath, refrain from treating your boy as the “man of the house”.

Instead, keep the love in constant supply and be on the lookout for risky behaviour.  

Though grown, students can blame themselves for their parents’ divorce.

Help them through it by ensuring they know they are not at all responsible and that they will always have a home.

To aid parents to survive the dual home situation, Weitsz stressed the need for open communication:

“If there’s no efficient communication then the children and issues they may have fall through the cracks. And our kids are smart.

“If they know mom and dad hate each other and they’re not speaking, they will manipulate the one parent because they know it will never get back to the other parent. So efficient communication is definitely a must.”

Civility is key during drop-offs and pick-ups.

“You don’t have to hug each other but just be nice,” she added.

But when acrimony and resentments are rife, drop offs and pick ups should happen at a neutral place, not at someone’s house.

A good tip is for one parent to drop the children at school on a Friday morning and the other parent picks them up at the end of the school day.

For those couples who feel they have given it their all but are ready to throw in the towel, Mthatha-based attorney Thusile Mjulelwa, of Mjulelwa Incorporated Attorneys, said there  were two options to get divorce action under way.

First is a visit to the divorce court, filing, then waiting for your imminent ex to be served by the sheriff of the court.

The other option is to seek out the services of a lawyer to institute the divorce litigation — which can come with a hefty price tag.

But once having taken that bold step, Coutts advised: “The best thing divorcing parents can do is attend mediation and co-parenting counselling.

“This will give them the tools to manage dealing with one another in a manner that is beneficial to the children.

“This step, if successful, preserves what little is left of the co-parenting relationship, which ultimately benefits the minor children at the end of the day.”

This route is also far more cost-effective than acrimonious divorce litigation, she added.

“Kids can survive a divorce,” Weitsz concluded.

“It’s the conflict that destroys them.”


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