Single parent dating is anything but stress-free. Not only is it hard to find time to date, but as is often the case, your children are likely to have strong opinions about your choices too.
We are frequently asked for advice from single mothers who feel they are ready to recommit themselves to new love.
Often, many of them have to navigate their children’s disapproval of the new man in their lives.
Some children of divorced or separated parents expect — depending on the nature of the relationship — parents to kiss and make up so that life can get back to normal again.
But if you had an abusive relationship with their father, it’s not unusual that they expect you to stay single.
When they don’t understand why you broke up, they will — for some time after — likely maintain the fantasy that you may wake up one day and realise it’s all been a misunderstanding, and get back together.
What lies at the heart of the rejection of your new man may have nothing at all to do with him.
And of course, how old the children are matters.
A toddler may be more accepting of the situation than a preteen or older child.
Still, it’s important to understand your children’s perspective.
Assess reasonability
What don’t they like about him? What does he do? How does he treat them?
There could be an objective, completely justified reason they don’t like the new guy.
If you find they have plausible reasons not to like him, you may need to reconsider the relationship.
Certainly, if they’re just picking on him just because they miss their biological father, you may have to deal with that.
It’s important to determine whether their dislike of him is for a good reason that you were genuinely blind to, or whether they need to realise that while they are your top priority, they don’t rule every decision you make.
Prioritise quality time with them
Children are savvy enough to know that a parent’s dating relationship may take time and attention away from them, and the quickest way to rebel against that is to reject the person you’re dating.
However, it’s also easy to get wrapped up in the first flush of early love. He’s on your mind all the time. You’re thinking of your next date. It’s natural.
After separation, it’s likely that your children are being shuttled between two homes and are not spending the same amount of time with you as when the family was under one roof.
If their father passed away, it’s not unfair of them to believe you are all they have.
Consider whether they are getting the time with you that they deserve. Also remember that they don’t want to lose you too.
Introducing another person they don’t know threatens the relationship they have with you.
Never force them to like him. If he’s a good guy and likes children, their relationship will strengthen over time.
He needs to win their trust over a period of time.
Allow for adequate time for healing
When it comes to divorce and separation, parents often don’t consult their children until that point of no return where they are simply informed of what’s happening.
This is despite that children are the most affected by the often abrupt and messy end of a relationship, and the effects are likely to turn their little and inexperienced world upside-down.
The disappointment, anxiety and insecurity that comes with the departure of their biological parent can have a severe effect on their little lives.
Therefore, time and everything that happens within that time is of absolute importance.
While you may be over the separation or death of their father, it doesn’t mean they’re ready for a new figure in their home.
Introducing a new partner can create further apprehension when they aren’t sure just how it will affect them.
So ask yourself, are you asking too much of them too soon?
Involve close family or friends
To make sure your children’s dislike of your new partner is based on a good reason, we recommend asking a couple of close friends or family members whether they have any concerns about him.
If they do, then you need to pay close attention to whether this is really the right relationship for you.
Loyalty to the departed parent
Children are often unable to comprehend the full capacity of separation, divorce or death of their parent.
They cannot process the emotions they are feeling. In their minds, their enjoyment of any time spent in your new boyfriend’s presence may cause them to feel disloyal to their dad.
Dare we say there are grown adult children who haven’t sorted through this dilemma themselves!
With positive reinforcement from all of their parents, they will come to understand that accepting mom’s new boyfriend is not being disloyal to dad.
Address concerns with your boyfriend
Pay attention to your children’s reactions to your new love. They often have their own way of sizing up a relationship, and may see something you don’t, but should.
As “mama-bear”, it’s your job to get out of your romantic cocoon and engage your boyfriend on your children’s behaviour.
He has to work with you. He needs to come clean, as an adult, on his plan of action to allay your children’s fears.
However, if you believe you’ve met the right guy, give your children time to get to know him on their own terms.
Give them space and do not insist that they do anything that is not comfortable for them, such as hugging him or giving him goodnight kisses, until they are ready.
Remember to constantly reassure them that you still love them and that no new relationship will change that.
The more they feel a part of things, the less frightened they will feel.
You may be surprised. If this is the right man for you, your children may be as happy about things as you are.
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