Fatherhood is showing up: Lessons from a teacher, dad and grandfather

BARBARA HOLLANDS

After decades as an Eastern Cape educator, Abrie Pepler had a front row seat to fatherhood in action and this Father’s Day urges dads to be present in their children’s lives.

Pepler, 72, who retired in 2018 as acting head of Selborne Primary after teaching at the school for 31 years, previously taught at Grey College for 10 years and now lives with his wife, Gerola, and bossy dachshund Popcorn in Chintsa East.

“Our home has a 180-degree view of the ocean. We have been truly blessed with an amazing community where everyone works for the good of our environment,” civic-minded Pepler, who also answers to Peppie, said.

As the father of four children — Natasha, 44, Dylan, 42, Zina, 39, and Kara, 36, and the grandpa of five — Pepler has shared his thoughts about the pressures and privileges of parenting.

Daily Dispatch asked him:

What does fatherhood mean to you?

Fatherhood must go down as the best thing that can happen to a man when he is present at the birth of his children.

When you see the umbilical cord being cut and a new life begins with that first cry.

No matter how old they are, they are always part of one’s life.

Our schooldays were carefree. Our parents were totally oblivious to where we were, as long as we were home before the streetlights went on.

My mom assisted me with homework in my younger grades. I recall sitting with her on her bed drilling spelling.

My dad took up the role of supporter at my rugby matches and loved sports of any kind.

Our children were privileged growing up in East London. They had Nahoon Beach, movies and Numbers (disco).

At times, I think we were strict with them and always inquired about the availability of parents at house parties and whether they had received an invitation.

I was the first-born and we are the proverbial guinea pigs. Natasha was our first and had that same role.

As parents, never disagree when a decision is made because it creates confusion in a child.

My wife never worked fulltime when we were rearing our children.

She taught swimming for an extra income and in my opinion this was so beneficial.

What do you think children need most from fathers today?

Today, under massive financial strain, it is the norm for both parents to work.

I saw this in the latter years of my time at Selborne Primary.

Stevens House, our hostel, began to shrink and soon we had to use this space for our growing aftercare.

Fathers play a pivotal role in the development of their children.

My daughters belong to their dad and our son to my wife, Gerola. It’s a team effort at the end of the day.

One of the best quotes I heard was: “The best a father can give their children is to love their mother.”

He sets that example for his children.

The bottom line is in today’s time they need a present father.

My wife and I formed a team and we stood together when it came to decisions.

There are instances where fathers work away from home but still maintain that contact through a video call.

Dads should be present in any way possible.

What has been the most rewarding part of being a father?

For me it has been seeing my children grow up and become good people.

Sure they got up to many things we are only hearing about now, but all things said they were problem-free.

We are super proud of all of their achievements in very different fields.

Each one spent a gap year in the UK. We gave them an airline ticket for their 18th birthday and sent them packing.

This was “real life education”. They returned ready for the world, except Dylan who remained there.

What was the hardest lesson fatherhood taught you?

The most difficult lesson for me was not shirking my responsibility to discipline.

We set guidelines and expected them to adhere to these, but there were times they crossed the line.

Do you think fathers today have different pressures from previous generations and what are these?

Today fathers are under enormous pressure. Children demand and parents give in.

As a teaching father and non-working mom, we had to make do with what we had.

I remember saying to my four that we had enough money in a specific month to go to Guidos and share two pizzas and cold drinks. Four children, two drinks and two straws.

Today primary school children are walking in the latest Nike shoes and have the latest iPhones.

Fathers often create this pressure for themselves. Your children will appreciate your efforts not in material things, but by your presence at school functions and sideline support. It is priceless.

Today, we are working with a totally different child because of social media.

In my last four years at Selborne, I was instrumental in taking the school into the Google age.

We succeeded, but this was never the end to good textbook teaching; it was purely another tool in our quiver of teaching aids.

Today, every child has a cellphone and is influenced by this little screen.

The wants have become so much greater and the pressure on dads to deliver has escalated.

I am privileged to speak to the grade 8 classes at Merrifield about social media every year.

We have a wonderful, open time discussing, but I make it very clear that mine is limited to Facebook.

We as a society have lost the ability to talk.

I have seen parents come from work, walking in on their cellphones, sorting out problems while their children are running to greet them. This is a no-no!

What message is one sending to these most precious children? That this device is more important than them?

I read this not too long ago: A teacher asked the class what they wanted to be, and a little boy put up his hand and said, “My mom’s cellphone, she loves it more than me.”

Do you think fathers receive enough encouragement to speak openly about parenting struggles?

In my opinion, I don’t think fathers openly speak about parenting issues.

We had an open-door policy at Selborne and I welcomed any parent to come and see me regarding issues with their son.

Children in the care of teachers spend more awake time in their presence.

They are the surrogate parents and need to take note of issues in a boy’s time at school.

I felt it my duty to contact parents if I picked up something that was bothering their son. Dads need to speak up — pressure is real.

In my time teaching, it often came down to the mother when we had a problem with a boy.

She would make the time to come in and meet with us.

“Dad is working,” they would say. No job is more important than the wellbeing of your child.

Not long after you leave this important occupation, you are forgotten, but the time you took to sort out an issue with your child is not.

A father’s presence is vital. It shows support for the child’s mom as well.

Please dads, if you are called to a meeting at school, drop what you are doing and attend it.

Your family is the most precious thing you own.

How can fathers build stronger relationships with their children?

The very best way to build a strong relationship with your children is to give them your time.

Time is so precious and before you know it they will be saying: “Dad, I need a suit or a dress for my matric farewell.”

Today, we have two children far away and I can tell you a WhatsApp video call is not a substitute.

In my humble opinion, time constraints remain the most challenging aspect facing fathers today.

How can separated or divorced fathers remain actively involved in their children’s lives?

Input from both parents should remain intact — growing children need both parents.

Don’t ever use your child as a pawn in your divorce case — they did nothing wrong to deserve this tension in their lives.

Name something your father taught you that has remained with you?

My dad taught me that people of all nationalities are important and that where we can, we need to help.

He never saw colour but only another human being.

He also taught me to be punctual — this he did with his little black belt the day I arrived late at home.

He wrote letters to schoolchildren in their matric year on blue note paper.

He would write up to 150 letters a year.

He refused to use a computer and said, “Every time I hold a pen I think of this boy or girl.”

Many of these letters are still mentioned when I bump into these grown men and women who now have families of their own.

How do grandfathers contribute to modern family life?

Grandchildren are the best thing since sliced bread. My mom has a magnet on her fridge that reads: ”If I knew my grandchildren were so much fun I would have had them first.”

We don’t carry the responsibility of feeding them, clothing them, teaching them [although we do] and housing them.

We can play with them whenever we want if they are close. We miss our Johannesburg grandchildren tremendously.

So many grandparents today have grandchildren in Australia, New Zealand and the UK.

I think it would kill me if I could not get to my grandchildren.

We build school project models together, we watch The Shark Whisperer, we read to them and take them along to share at our Soup Kitchen.

We also like to run with them on the beach, and have hot chocolate with Aunty Lynne at the Bistro.

I watch our only granddaughter do gymnastics and I hold my breath.

It’s love in action for us as grandparents. The best is giving them back after I have shared a slab of chocolate with them.

What do you hope your children and grandchildren remember most about you?

All I ask of them is to remember me by the time I had for others — time to chat.

For my dad, people were the most important. I hope this has been instilled in me as an example to them. Also to love unconditionally.

I wish all fathers and grandfathers a happy Father’s Day!

You are very important in your children’s lives and they will model theirs on yours.